Welcome to the official webmistress advice column! Good luck. All questions & answers are for entertainment purposes only (mostly mine). The thing we do here is we mail our problems to: webmistress@mad-techies.org and then the slightly high-strung mistress herself will read & solve the problem, no matter what it is. Guaranteed an answer. Whether or not you like it is another story. This is my disclaimer -if you screw up, don't blame me!


Oh, look -we have a problem!

Dear Mistress,

I have a l-user who keeps showing up at my desk instead of calling the help desk the way he is suppose to. Should I help him or have him killed?
The answer is neither. What you should do is play with him. L-users are gullible. Using your BOFH list of excuses and a couple of random, technical sounding terms, you will have him believing anything that you say. Depending on what the cretin requests your assistance for, you can end up in one of two situations. You can use the l-user for entertainment purposes, or as slave purposes. My personal favourite is humiliation. Any time you can get a l-user to electrocute themselves, I say go for it.


My problem is that I really hate lusers. My shrink says that I have hidden psychological maniacal tendencies and that I really should not be allowed to have axes, sharp objects, or anything that could be construed as a dangerous weapon.

What should I do?


Kill the shrink would be my first thought. But, I realize soon after that we are in America, land of the lawsuit. This could be an opportunity, to lose that shrink whom is screwing up your self-esteem! Repeat after me: I AM THE SYS ADMIN. Always remember that. And make sure that the l-users don't forget it, either. As for the manical tendencies, the easiest route to go, after suing the shrink is to be friends with the coworkers. No, really, I haven't lost my mind. Just be sure to go to a bar where you can all get together & play a good round of darts ;)

Help me WebMistress!

My wife and I just had a baby. He's up all night, and my wife hates me, because she has to let me sleep so I can go to work to deal with l-users all day. Plus, we haven't had sex in 7 months! What should I do?!?!?

cuckolded in chicago

ps-- is that really you in the logo?


Congratulations on the baby. I have a cat, which wakes me up at night. Damn thing is almost three, and it still won't sleep through the night. Anyhow, I've digressed. You wife will continue to hate you for quite some time, it's just going to happen. Think of what the woman has been through in the past approximately nine monthes. The best thing to do is what many men eventually do -succumb to her powers as a woman. And make the most out of the boob situation while she still has them. If you buy her enough presents, she will become interested in sex once again. And change the diapers. Women in a bad mood can be "fixed". Just watch your mouth, and remember, she is the most beautiful thing in the world. These suggestions even work on me, some of the time. And no, that is not me on the logo. I promise, I will find & post a photo ASAP.

Home