Winnie the Pooh Does TCP/IP

In the first chapter of Winnie-the-Pooh Does TCP/IP, Milne writes the following:

When I first heard the protocol, I said, just as you are going to say, "But I thought he was connecting to the network?"

"So did I," said Christopher Robin.

"Then you can't call it Dial-In?"

"I don't."

"But you said---"

"He's using "TCP/IP". Don't you know what "TCP/IP" means?"

"Ah, yes, now I do," I said quickly; and I hope you do too, because it is all the explanation you are going to get.

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Pooh always liked to go send E-mail at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the keyboard and mouse; and when Rabbit said, 'POP3 or MAPI?' he was so exited that he said, 'Both' and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, 'But don't bother about the NetBEUI, please.'

And for a long time after that he said nothing...until at last, humming to himself in a rather sticky voice, he got up, shook Rabbit lovingly by the paw, and said that he must be going on.

'Must you?' said Rabbit politely.

'Well,' said Pooh, 'I could stay a little longer if it-if you-' and he tried very hard to look in the direction of the Exchange Server.

'As a matter of fact,' said Rabbit, 'I was going out myself directly.'

'Oh well, then, I'll be going on. Good bye.'

'Well good bye, if you're sure you won't spend any more time online.'

'Is the connection still live?' asked Pooh quickly.

Rabbit took the covers of the dishes, and said 'No, it isn't.'

'I thought not,' said Pooh, nodding to himself. 'Well Good-bye, I must be going on.'

So he sent his e-mail. He clicked send, and send as, and in a little while his mail was stuck in the que again... and then the MTA locked ... and then the IMS... and then the packet ... and then-

'Oh, help!' said Pooh, 'I'd better go back,'

'Oh bother!' said Pooh, 'I shall have to go on.'

'I can't do either!' said Pooh, 'Oh help and bother!' ...

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...Christopher Robin nodded. 'Then there's only one thing to be done,' he said. 'We shall have to wait for you to get thin client.'

'How long does getting thin client take?' asked Pooh anxiously.

'About five years I should think.'

'But I can't stay here for 5 years!'

'You can stay here all right, silly old Bear. It's getting Microsoft to do anything which is so difficult.'

'We'll read e-mail to you,' said Rabbit cheerfully. 'And I hope the domain won't crash,' he added. 'And I say, old fellow, your e-mail is taking up a good deal of room in my server - do you mind if I use your back legs as an Ethernet hub? Because, I mean, there they are - doing nothing - and it would be very convenient just to plug cables into your toenails.'

'5 years!' said Pooh gloomily. 'What about upgrades?'

'I'm afraid no upgrades,' said Christopher Robin, 'because of thin clients having no floppy drives. But we will read e-mail to you.'

Bear began to sigh, and then found he couldn't because his mail was so tightly stuck; and a tear rolled down his eye, as he said: 'Then would you read a Networking Book, such as would help and comfort a Wedged Packet in MTA Tightness?'

So for 5 years Christopher Robin read that sort of book at the North end of Pooh (and got his MCSE), and Rabbit ran his Ethernet hubs on the South end (finding some extra socket room)... and in between Bear felt his packets getting slenderer and slenderer. And at the end of the 5 years Christopher Robin said,

'Now!'

So he took hold of Pooh's front e-mail and Rabbit took hold of Christopher Robin, and all Rabbit's friends and relations took hold of Rabbit, and they all pulled together ...

And for a long time Pooh only said

'NDR' ...

And 'Message Not Found' ...

And then, all of a sudden he said 'This program has performed a general protection fault!' just if a belch were coming out of a wino.

And Christopher Robin and Rabbit and all relations went head-over-heels backwards, knocking over the DNS server ...and on top of them came Winnie-the-Pooh - with free e-mail service from AOL!

So with a nod of thanks to his friends, he went on with his walk through the forest, humming proudly to himself.

But Christopher Robin looked after him lovingly, and said to himself 'Silly Old Bear!'

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Winnie-the-Pooh woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and listened. Then he got out of bed, and lit his candle, and stumped across the room to see if anybody was trying to get into his honey-cupboard, and they weren't, so he stumped back again, blew out his candle, and got into bed. Then he heard the noise again.

'Is that you, Piglet?' he said. But it wasn't.

'Come in, Christopher Robin!' he said. But Christopher Robin didn't.

'Tell me about it to-morrow, Eeyore,' said Pooh sleepily.

But the noise went on. 'C:win95/setup,' said Whatever-it-was, and Pooh found that he wasn't asleep after all.

'What can it be?' he thought. 'there are lot of noises in the Forest, but this is a different one. It isn't a growl, and it isn't a purr, and it isn't a bark, and it isn't the noise- you- make- before- beginning- a- piece- of- poetry, but it's a noise of some kind, made by a strange animal! And he's making it outside my door. So I shall get up and ask him not to do it.'

He got out of bed and opened his front door. 'Hallo!' said Pooh, in case there was anything outside.

'Hallo!' said Whatever-it-was.

'Oh', said Pooh, 'Hallo!'

'Hallo!'

'Oh, there you are!' said Pooh, 'Hallo!'

'Hallo!' said the strange animal, wondering how long this was going on.

Pooh was just going to say 'Hallo!' for the fourth time when he thought that he wouldn't, so he said, 'Who is it?' instead.

'Me,' said a voice.

'Oh!' said Pooh. 'Well, come here.'

So Whatever-it-was came here, and in the light of the candle he and Pooh looked at each other.

'I'm Pooh,' said Pooh.

'I'm Bill Gates,' said Bill Gates...

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...Pooh and Piglet walked slowly after him. And as they walked Piglet said nothing, because he couldn't think of anything, and Pooh said nothing, because he was thinking of a poem. And when he had thought of it he began:

What shall we do about poor Bill Gates?
If he never buys anything, that would be great.
He doesn't like innovation and Netscape and Apple
Because of the quality and because of the people.
And all the good things which a user does like
Instead, he'd rather have their heads upon Spikes!

'Microsoft's quite big enough anyhow,' said Piglet.

'No, it's not,' said Bill Gates

'Well, it seems so,'

Pooh was thoughtful when he heard this, and the murmured to himself:

But whatever its worth in software,
and panache,
It always seems bigger because
of its cash.

'And that's the whole poem,' he said. 'Do you like it, Piglet?'

'All except the software,' said Piglet. 'I don't think IE4 ought to be there.'

'It wanted to come in, and wouldn't take no for an answer,' explained Pooh, 'so I let it. And now I can't uninstall it.'
'Oh, I didn't know,' said Piglet.

Bill Gates had been buying up small innovative companies in front of them all this time, turning round every now and then and tell them, 'This is the right way!'-and now at last they came in sight of Steve Job's house, and there was Steve Jobs. Bill Gates rushed up to him.

'Oh, there you are, Bill Gates!' said Steve Jobs. 'I knew you'd be somewhere.'

'I've been finding software in the Forest,' said Bill Gates importantly. 'I've found a GUI and a Defragmenter and an Web Browser, but I can't find any respect!'

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